The Useful Idiot

Flushed with my encounter with the BBC Scotland executive in the loos at the Ubuiquitous Chip last night, I went home and stuck on some Elton John and composed another diatribe. It is sure to further guarantee my credentials as a Rangers hating Celtic man through and through and should endear me no end to the Republican Bhoys and maybe, just maybe they'll turn up the next time they arrange to meet me for a Guinness and some craic. I managed to mention again a 'white underclass' which should get them going for a start, followed by 'multi-ethnic Scotland breaking out around them' which I know is pandering to the lib-left idea of multiculturalism which is equally resented and detested by my fellow Catholics (oh diary, would that I were) but that won't stop it getting right up the noses of any Rangers fans reading it. Most importantly though, I managed to write about an issue where it was Celtic fans who were the ones revelling in disgusting behaviour at the weekend but turned it around so that the whole piece was attacking Rangers fans! See how clever I was?

Beaming with pride, I went off down Byres Road this morning to buy a copy of the Times to read my own article and wallow in the satisfaction of a job well done when I bumped into the republican bhoys on their way to Jintys. At first they didn't notice me but soon caught my eye as I ran to them, waving my arms in the air and trying to add an Irish inflection to my west end accent. As I caught up with them after pursuing them through a bookmakers, a cafe and the Oxfam shop, they congratulated me on my piece in the Times and told me I 'really was one useful idiot' which made me so proud although I did overhear Matt McGlone whisper to one of the bhoys that the Rangers fans had long since stopped getting angry at me and were now just laughing at my pathetic attempts at riling them. Whatever could he mean?

So we popped into Jintys for a few pints of the dark stuff and here I must admit that I'm no morning drinker so it wasn't long before I had to go to the loo for a tinkle. Matt followed me in and as I approached the cubicle he barged into my shoulders, knocking me into the cubicle with him following behind. He snatched at my trousers which he tore off and turned me violently against the wall before violating me in the most unseemly manner, using all sorts of foul epithets as he thrust and thrust and thrust... Then he sneered, spat on me and left me lying in his waste, looking up at him as he left, feeling at last, I was one of the bhoys.