The Tiny Penis Rule

Tiny shafts of early morning sun dapple the hand woven Iranian rug in my bedroom and light up the dust as it gently settles on my bed.  I was stirring after a good night's sleep and couldn't wait to get to the Celtic game to celebrate my diversity with the other Celtic fans in the press box by humming along to those ancient hymns glorifying the Celtic family sung by their supporters in the away end.  I paused though, as before I'd opened my eyes fully I could hear Sylvester Stallone talking to Harrison Ford at the end of my bed.

'I mean I've been taking 'roids for forty years and I don't have a penis that size, would you look at it!' mumbled Stallone.

'I'm a pensioner and even I can raise a morning glory five times bigger than that, it's like a vagina only different,' replied Ford.

Then another voice I wasn't quite expecting,

'Can you even call that a penis?  I mean after Peter Lawwell's release party last week when he, Paul McBride, Peter Kearney and Tom Devine all got their wangers out to compare size, after seeing those chipolatas I never thought I'd see anything else quite so small but this beats them all - and it's supposed to be erect!'

It was little Jimmy Osmond!  I reached for my medication but it wasn't by the bed so I closed my eyes and went back to sleep and when I woke up they were gone.