Souness: Revenge of the Ranger

I'm Souness.  I’m a soldier. Donald Findlay’s a politician. Well, he’s a QC but you know what I mean. He’s had me hamstrung since the beginning of this season, putting the Rangers 80s Squad Commandos out to grass and allowing me only to work on my own and in the shadows. To make matters worse, he’s become too caught up in Jorg Albertz Demon Hunter’s mumbo jumbo and now they’ve brought in Mo Johnston, a powerful ally to have with a proven track record of bringing fear to our enemies but the problem with him is he’s a renegade and you never know whose side he’s on at any given time. So after I'd rescued the mincing fool, Spiers from Tartaglia’s hit squad in Val D’Isere and using him to flush out a Lawwell assassin who was stalking Ally McCoist, Findlay got Spiers all riled up about something or another and he ran off to Queen Street to confront Magnus Linklater about his future on the Times. That was the last we heard of Spiers, apart from some whimpering on Twitter and now he’s gone.

I can’t say I’m sad to lose him; Findlay liked to play him like a pawn in a giant chess match against Lawwell but all I could see was a prancing queen with a hard on for corduroy and a sociopathic need to attack Rangers. Craig Whyte called him an irrelevance as nobody reads the Times in Scotland anymore and Spiers lost his fan base among the Celtic community the moment the Times put a pay wall on their website. Reduced to writing provocative rubbish on Twitter, a medium which seems to attract narcissistic morons like Spiers and which seems to take up all of Stewart Regan’s days now that he has nothing else to do with his time, the SFA having been annexed by Celtic, Spiers was no longer a threat to Rangers. Even his influence over politicians waned when Stuart Waiton exposed him during the recent summit to discuss the SNP’s proposed sinister, dystopian sectarianism in football bill which meant there would be no more dripping poison into the ears of anyone with the clout to pursue UEFA in an attempt to have Rangers banned from Europe in order to affect their revenue stream and give the government team, Celtic an advantage.

So the weirdness was gone, his legacy being one of immense double standards when it came to offensive singing from football fans, a topic he raised to the same level of importance as football itself and paving the way for the SNP’s illiberal legislation. So you could say that if Spiers had kept his mouth shut then freedom of speech wouldn’t be at risk in Scotland right now. After all, what are a few fruity songs amongst all the industrial language at football matches? Then again, the fool did his damn best to have a clause inserted in the new legislation allowing Celtic fans and the Green Brigade in particular to sing anything they like, no matter how offensive or even illegal in existing law. He wasn’t the only one but he was the main cheer leader, sometimes right down to the little skirt and pom poms and that is why I’m sitting here in the rafters of a derelict building in the east end of Glasgow, listening to the Green Brigade as they discuss their plans and hopefully give me a clue as to Spiers’s whereabouts. You see Donald Findlay wants him back. Donald Findlay believes only an imbecile like Spiers can help him in his latest plan. I don’t know what that plan is though; Findlay keeps it from me in case I’m captured because Findlay is a politician. Well, he’s a QC but you know what I mean. Me, I’m a soldier.