Steeplechase

It was as we were standing by the fence with me regarding the barbed wire with no little caution - well, I was naked after all - that we heard the commotion behind us and realised that Lawwell's men were in pursuit.  Souness looked back through the trees as steam rose from his body, his muscles standing to attention, every ounce of his manliness staunch, capable and ready for a fight but sometimes even Souness can be outnumbered.

'Come on, we have to run,' he said, vaulting the fence.
'Why, who is it?'
'Lawwell must be really desperate to keep his crowning under wraps; he's set the Derry and North West Branch of the NUJ on us.'

Now I've been shot at on more than one occasion; when you write about sectarianism in Glasgow, even if your remit is to write about football, you tend to become the target for all kinds of wild lunatics and that's just the players but on this occasion the bullets sounded different; I think it might have been the conditions: freezing white frost on every blade of grass and every leaf still holding onto every tree - the cold was everywhere and as the bullets buzzed and zipped through the bushes and trees, they made violent slapping sounds and pieces of foliage erupted and scattered above and beside us as we hared through the forest until we got to a clearing and the white expanse of an open field.

'It's too big,' shouted Souness.  'They'll pick us off easily if we try to run across that!'  But then the fence post beside him exploded into pieces from a bullet that struck far too close for comfort - they were gaining on us.

'Fuck this, come on!' he cried and we were over the fence and sprinting towards the farmhouse at the other side of the field.  Then I noticed with mounting horror that we were being approached on our flank by about fifty more people with someone at the head of them, urging them on.

'Who the hell is that, is that a woman?' I squealed.

'I think you're right, bloody Lawwell is bringing out the big guns now Spiers.'

'Eh?  Is it Elaine C Smith?'

'Worse,'  winced Souness.  'It's Suzie McGuire and she's carrying her black fighting dildo!'