Pigs in Space

We were hiding by the edge of the Mare Orientale basin on the western side of the moon, peeking over some ridges towards the grey building that was a mere two or three low gravity bounces away from where we had ducked for a breather.  I was with Angela Haggerty and Jeanette Findlay and how we got there was the unfortunate result of a series of outrageously unlikely circumstances - more unlikely than the sound of the left wing political elite of Scotland weighing in behind a quasi-fascist Irish Republican football hooligan group.  But they did and so did we and so there we were on the moon, creeping up on Craig Green's supposedly secret factory where he was turning Walter Smith's mechanised Ally McCoists into robots to bump up the numbers at Ibrox during match days.  Yes, quite.

I wasn't sure about the whole thing but Tom English had persuaded me that it was an approach worth taking even if it was to keep Lawwell off our hides for a few days - well that was okay for him to say, he wasn't the one risking his life in zero gravity on the dark side of the moon.

We didn't even get very far without being rumbled; you know that saying that in space no one can hear you scream?  Well even in space you can still hear the sound of a shrill Jeanette Findlay with a grudge and she brought down a whole squadron of robots who wheeled out of the factory and headed straight for us.

'Oh well done Jeanette, you slovenly trollop - why couldn't you just shut up about zombies and newcos for once in your miserable life?  Well you can stay and fight the good fight all you like, I'm out of here' and with that I was up and over the ridge before you could say 'chip on the shoulder'.  Interestingly Angela Haggerty was right behind me proving that like me, she talks a good game but is never up for a real fight.

I was haring down the slope towards our lander craft, the Inquisition 6 - kindly loaned to us from Peter Kearney - and stumbled like an oaf in the shadows and before I knew it I was head over tit, falling downhill and screaming as I felt my oxygen pipe tear from my suit.  Now I've been in this position before, didn't it happen to me in space once and Graeme Souness came to my rescue yet again?  I looked around and there was no sight of Souness in my moment of need, only Haggerty bearing down on me, her eyes fixed on my cock, her hands reaching out to grab me by the manhood.

'Oh for gawd's sake Angela, is there no such thing as an inappropriate time for you?' I shouted at her but she took hold of my oxygen pipe which was hanging loose somewhere around my belt area and started working on it.  So there I was, standing on the moon with Angela Haggerty kneeling in front of me with her head at my groin when Findlay came stumbling over the ridge and shrieked, 'For fuck's sake Haggerty, wait until we get home, will you?  Is there no one you won't go down on?' but before we could explain, Haggerty had fixed my leaking pipe and we were off and climbing into our craft, battening the hatches and taking off just as Green's robot squadron of Ally McCoist lookalikes came rattling up below us, shaking their mullets in disappointment that they didn't capture us.

We came in low over Lennoxtown and were retrieved by some of Lawwell's men in a blacked out Range Rover and taken to the Celtic training ground where Lawwell had the Scottish press doing laps in the nude while he took pot shots at them with an air gun.

'Well?' he asked.  'Did you get the evidence?'
'We got photographs, will that do?' asked Findlay, her left eye flickering with nerves as she tried not to look down as Lawwell too was naked and visibly excited at another chance to ridicule Rangers.
'Photographs will do my little doxy - you're lucky I'm in such a great mood though and do you want to know why?'  I looked at Findlay and if ever a man could scream 'no, for heaven's sake no' with his eyes then I was doing it then but she didn't know Lawwell as well as I do and so she nodded.
'Because yesterday I released a statement demanding an enquiry into the police assault on the Green Brigade and promised that Celtic Football Club will always be right behind the fans and that has made me big fucking number one daddy...  Not that I've ever been anything else of course.  Now that I've appeased the extreme elements within our support, well now I can go ahead and destroy them' and he let out a guttural laugh and shot a pellet into Gerry Braiden's arse as he ran past sweating like the Rangers Tax Case Blogger.

Did Lawwell make a mistake by telling Findlay and Haggerty of his plan to destroy the extremists within the Celtic support?  After all, they're as extreme as they come themselves.  I don't know but I do know this: nothing Lawwell does is an accident; nothing he does or says is never completely pre-meditated so no, he didn't make a mistake - it was deliberate but I wasn't to find out why for some time yet.