The Infinite Monkey Theorem

"Fucking Morton?" he screamed and lashed out at Tom English, catching him a cracker across the cheek with his horse whip.  I don't know why Lawwell was picking on me and Tom but there was no doubt that he was as we were the only ones called into his lair in the Daily Record building where he'd booted Allan Rennie out of his office for the day, told him to dry his eyes and then got down to business chasing me and Tom around in circles, slicing our arses with his whip as we jumped and yowled in protest.

 

Once he'd calmed down - well, when I say calmed down, I really mean ran out of puff - he beckoned for us to go to him, urging us close like a loving father and then when we'd placed our heads on his chest and he stroked our hair, softly hushing us with a reassuring hum, I thought his rage was over but he gathered one of our ears in each hand, crunched them in a tight grip and dragged us out of the office, swinging a kick at Rennie on his way past the desk under which he thought he was hiding unseen.

"Come with me, he growled.  "I want to show you a real Celtic Minded journalist.  I want to show you a man who although banned from Parkhead, still churns out the most unbelievable tripe on a daily basis; laying into Rangers and sycophantically praising me while burying bad news about Celtic.  I want to introduce you both to someone who puts you to shame, I want to introduce you to..."

"Hugh Keevins?" interrupted Tom.

"Don't fucking interrupt me, you cock-guzzling twat!" shouted Lawwell and twisted Tom's ear just a little harder so that Tom shrieked like a girl and started crying.  "But yes, it's Hugh Keevins" and he opened a door and we gazed in.

 

The room was enormous and inside were hundreds of monkeys chained to desks, clumsily clacking away at their typewriters, drawing paper from them and tossing it onto a conveyer belt which trundled into an office which sat in darkness at the far end.  "What's this?" I asked.

"This, my whimpering friend, is Hugh Keevins," laughed Lawwell and booted us into the room which upset the monkeys and had them jumping up and down on their chairs, screeching, shitting in their hands and throwing it at us.  Just like the time I sat in with the normal fans at Parkhead then.