Spiers and the Referendum Dilemma

The neon glare of Tesco is hardly the grey drizzle of Soviet East Berlin but I saw in the anxious glances and nervous demeanour of the shoppers today, the same fears once held by those Germans trapped behind the Iron Curtain.  Everyone I walked past would quickly look at my lapels and chest, checking for a badge that would indicate whether I was a supporter of Yes or No in the Scottish Referendum, then they'd shift their gaze to the floor and push on past to the next person.  Aye, Scotland's divided and it's a division that Celtic and Rangers playing back to back cup finals from now till next year couldn't have created.  Alex Salmond has succeeded in almost eliminating sectarianism in Scotland because the people are too busy kicking lumps out of each other over the independence referendum to worry about trivialities such as whether one is a Catholic or Protestant.  Well, when I say kicking lumps out of each other, of course I mean the Yes side kicking lumps out of the No side who usually stand and take it while planning their revenge of writing a stern letter to the Herald about it in the morning.  And to be fair to the No side, their foot soldiers as far as I've seen have been mainly teenagers and old ladies while the Yes side has all the might of the lunatic Trotskyite fringe groups who looked at the referendum and saw an opportunity to cause some mischief, and that's before you add all the bare-chested Bravehearts roaming around looking for trouble while high on Buckfast and nationalism.  So far so sinister and Scotland is all the poorer for it and so it was time for me to make my own decision so I took myself down to Stravaigin to discuss my opinions with Pat Nevin and Tom Devine. 

"You're a fucking moron, you know that, Spiers?" roared Tom Devine as I explained my concerns.  "What the fuck does the economy matter when the weight of history is bearing down on us?  Who cares about currency, finance, EU or NATO when we have the spirits of William Wallace and Bonnie Prince Charlie looking over our shoulders?  Don't you know corduroy suits will be free in an independent Scotland?"

"I must say I'm surprised at you, Professor Devine" I said, appalled and a little scared of his reaction.  "What about Celtic though?  If we vote for independence then won't Lawwell's dream of moving to the English Premiership be over?"

"By all the fucks!  You're right, Spiers - we must vote No!  Quick, get on the phone to the Green Brigade and tell them to switch sides!"

"I don't have the numbers of the Green Brigade" I protested.

"Of course you do" insisted Tom.

"Oh alright then, I do..."

"All of them?" he asked.

"Yes" I said, blushing.

"You're a bigger prick than I thought" he said and called for more whisky.

 

And that's about all of the thought that went into my choice to vote No, so I toddled off to the polling station and voted Yes because I accidentally put my cross in the wrong box and was too embarrassed to ask for a rubber.  "You're never too embarrassed to ask for one in the Polo Lounge" guffawed Devine later as we sat in the Chip going over the events of the day.  Tom didn't mind me admitting to my mistake as his shock at my Celtic suggestion had worn off and he was back to demanding: independence; a return to England of all non-Scots with a few Scots thrown in for good measure; a lowering of taxes; a raising of welfare spending; and the removal of Trident with a few more No voters thrown in there and tied to the missiles too if you please.  "So what about Lawwell and Celtic in the Premiership?" I asked.

"Oh Lawwell's been told by Salmond that in an independent Scotland, Celtic will be able to join the Premiership" snorted Tom.

"But won't the English Premiership have something to say about that?"

"Not at all my dear boy, Salmond says that it's the sovereign will of the Scottish people that Celtic get a place in the Premiership and so that's what will happen in spite of no one in England wanting it to happen."

"Tom, don't you think this all sounds a bit fishy?  I mean I'm all for giving Lawwell what he wants at all time - I mean, no one wants to be on the end of his lash- but I think this is one thing that is beyond even Salmond."

"God strike me down as a fucker!" cried Devine.  "You're right, I think we've made the most dreadful mistake - quick, call a cab and get us to the polling station.  Do you think they'll let us change our vote?"