Gerrard on the Orient Express

The rhythm of the Orient Express as it trundled out of Istanbul was relaxing and might have been a calm and pleasurable experience except I was stuck, hiding under a bed while Tom Devine ploughed into Angela Haggerty just feet from my face.  “By the time I’m finished with you m’lass, your fanny will the size of a Range Rover exhaust” he roared while Haggerty squeaked in indignation.

As usual I was up to my knees in intrigue, caught up in the machinations of Peter Lawwell as he panicked about the fact that Celtic had won the league again, but nobody had noticed due to the story going around that Steven Gerrard was set to manage Rangers.  Hearing that Gerrard was relaxing on a European tour and was on board a train heading to Paris, Lawwell had despatched twelve of his most trusted lieutenants to do something about it.  Twelve of us, me included, on the Orient Express, it reminded me of something but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

There I was though on my first day on board that magnificent train when I spotted Tom Devine, he was in the bar and on his second bucket of Port and since the randy old Satyr owed me fifty quid I decided that rather than confront him about it and risk a pummelling, I’d simply break into his room and take it out of his wallet – so gone was he these days, with the drink that he’d never notice.  The only problem was though, while I was in his berth rifling through Tom’s drawers, he was heading back there with Haggerty with the intention of rifling through hers.

Any other man would’ve been caught in the act but when I heard Devine’s key in the door, years of experience of jumping at shadows saw me under the bed in a twinkling before Devine could get Haggerty in the door for a monstering.  And that’s how I came to get caught up in the most fascinating intrigue on board the Orient Express, an experience that would change the course of Scottish football forever, but I’m getting ahead of myself…