How to Look the Other Way

"Can you categorically, without doubt, say that it was definitely a Celtic fan?  Because if you go ahead and print that this animal had anything to do with our club then two things will happen" said Lawwell as he paced up and down in front of the gathered Scottish press to discuss the poor boy who'd been assaulted before the recent old firm match.  "One: you'll lose your access to the manager - whatsisname - and all of the team; and two: I'll nail you to a tree by your balls."  We all winced because we knew how painful being nailed to a tree by the balls would be.  "It'll be a damned sight more painful than just having our balls nailed to these benches," said Tom English as we gazed down at our bollocks as they bled onto the Hampden turf.  "So are any of you fucking cowards going to include the word Celtic in any of your reports of this incident?  No, I didn't think so" and that was how it happened, how the entire Scottish media managed to report on a ten year old Rangers fan having his jaw broken after a Celtic hooligan threw a bottle at his face and not once was the fact he was a Celtic supporter discussed.  Oh it was hilarious, watching these journalists tie themselves in knots trying to describe events without a mention of the club; it was thug dressed in green this and man wearing a green beanie hat that but even although the world and its dog knew it was a Celtic supporter who'd nearly killed the kid, the fact remained missing from all reports.  And our balls stayed out of the trees. 

Later, Lawwell was pontificating about Celtic's 2-0 win, trying to have us believe it was as good as the 9-0 win he was predicting before the game but no one was having it and indeed a few of the younger scuds new to the game even dared ask him some impertinent questions.  One whelp raised his hand and asked how he compared the Rangers game with the one from the week before, knowing fine well Lawwell wouldn't even know who Celtic had played the week before, or the week before that.  "Celtic raised their game after the performance against Hearts" said one with a smirk.

"Indeed," said Lawwell, eyeing the boy suspiciously.  "Hearts put in a good shift but our faith in the manager showed and we were happy to get the result."

"Which was?"

"Erm, we won?"

"You won?  Against Hearts?" and everyone laughed until Lawwell's face turned puce and he pulled out his horse whip and laid into the front two rows.  The presser emptied after that and we heard that the youngster who'd tried to ridicule Lawwell was hanging in a cold store somewhere with a hook through his arse.

On the way home with Tom English we discussed how we'd approach the aftermath of the game considering the amount of reports of assaults by Celtic fans on Rangers supporters were coming in.  "Oh it's bloomin' easy," said Tom.  "You heard the Rangers fans sing a few songs, didn't you?"

"I did..." I said, rubbing my chin and pretending to know what Tom was talking about.

"Then we lay into the Rangers fans for sectarian singing and ignore the stabbings and hospitalisations."

"Surely not!" I exclaimed.  "Surely a few ribald songs at a football match aren't as worthy of our outrage as the chaos and hooliganism being perpetrated by the Celtic support?"  Tom looked at me and burst out laughing and I joined in and we both laughed all the way home in the taxi and we were still laughing when we wrote our reports condemning the Rangers singing.