Sticking One to the Man

I've spent the early afternoon reading the responses to this mornings article on the Times website. There are at least a hundred which goes to show that more people read my column on the internet than buy the Scottish edition of the paper, I feel so proud.

I divided the comments into two sections: the rabid white trash Rangers supporters pointing out the inaccuracies and lies in my piece and the lovely Celtic supporters congratulating me for sticking one to the man. Of course I only authorised the Celtic fans' comments for inclusion beneath my work of art, why would I want to spoil my magnum opus by allowing freedom of reply?

To clear my head, I went for a walk in Kelvingrove Park where I bumped into Gillian Bowditch and quizzed her on how she always manages to insert three mentions of a persons religion or football team in every interview she does but only if they're Catholic and support Celtic. Oh how we laughed at this! We went for a coffee and she cracked a joke along the lines of, how do you know a Gillian Bowditch interviewee is a Protestant? Because she doesn't mention three times that he's a Catholic! We laughed and supped our coffee in Stravaigin and then set off together through Kelvingrove Park when suddenly Gillian Bowditch threw me into the bushes and tore off my trousers, pressed my face into the dirt in a frenzy and pierced my backside with her throbbing member. She rattled me for nigh on half an hour, me squeaking in protest and then she sneered, spat on me and left me sobbing in confused delight.

On my way home I thought I saw the Republican Bhoys in Ashton Lane but they ducked quickly into Jintys and although I could hear giggling when I looked in, I couldn't see them so decided just to go home and listen to Song for Guy again.