Secret Diary, Monday 23rd November Part 2

Word reaches me that Gordon Smith entertained guests at his daughter's birthday party on Saturday night. Smith junior who has done her own bit for bridging the divide between Celtic and Rangers by being the daughter of a Rangers legend who regularly entertains Celtic fans in Glasgow's many nightclubs, usually with her astonishing dress sense and volume of Bebo 'friends' lurking with cameras, had apparently invited some boy band to play at her private function but they were short of a bass player. Step up daddy who cajoled George Peat into joining him onstage for a rendition of Trail of the Lonesome Pine at the end of which, Smith sang in falsetto only to be hit by Peat over the head with a mallet. They left stage to a rapturous round of applause and promptly tripped, both of them falling face first into the birthday cake. This caused a food fight which descended into a chaos which was broken up only after police arrived and arrested Smith for once having played for Rangers. A spokesman for the Catholic Police Guild of Glasgow said last night, 'that orange b*stard was asking for it.'

After the press re-education camp at the weekend everyone got down to work and concentrated on Bougherra's non-appearance after his world cup duties with Algeria while relegating Celtic's defeat at the hands of Dundee Utd to seven pages in from the back in the hope that dozy Celtic fans won't notice the report and will forget that they lost. Peter Lawwell, dressed immaculately in his U-Boat Captain's uniform had assembled a few chosen journalists late last night and provided evidence of Bougherra's absence by showing them pictures of him tied to a tree just outside Lennoxtown.

At the end of a busy weekend I spent the dying hours of Sunday night standing in the rain in Broomhill, gazing at the window of the wife's new flat, hoping to catch sight of her but unfortunately catching only the occasional glimpse of Aamer Anwar's arse. Which, come to think of it, was quite nice really.