The Mowbray Sanction Part 1

The little rowing boat washed up on the shore of Bute and Graham Souness and I climbed out into the shallows, the only survivors of the sinister events on the seemingly deserted island of Inchmarnock. After clambering up the grassy hill towards the road we found Avi Cohen waiting for Souness in a jeep. 'What about me?' I shouted after them as they drove off. There was no reply and I was left alone with only the sheep as company. Wouldn't be the first time.

I eventually got back to Glasgow to find Rangers ten points ahead of Celtic and my answering machine full of demands from Peter Lawwell. First up was to get onto Radio Clyde for some damage limitation. It was just Peter Martin and me, Hugh Keevins the second having been left behind, dead, on Inchmarnock. The position of Keevins is becoming a dangerous one these days but Lawwell never seems to be short of volunteers and Martin told me that he already has a third lined up. In the background the mechanical clown that they pass for Derek Johnstone laughed and agreed with everything we said off microphone until Martin switched it off.

The phone in got off to a flier and we stuck to Lawwell's agenda of attacking Mowbray. His plan is to come at Mowbray on two fronts: Radio Clyde and the Daily Record and destabilise him thus giving the Celtic fans a common enemy to distract from the failings of the board. So far it's been a dawdle.

The show was a success with the usual litany of paranoid Celtic supporter complaints and accusations with the odd Rangers supporter thrown in to counter any accusations of favouritism although as we all know, these 'Rangers supporters' are just the usual Seans and Declans from Coatbridge in disguise. Afterwards, I made my way home and nipped into the Chip for a pint and there met Brendan O'Hara, producer of the Football Years, he was chatting to the STV bhoys who were still high from their daily ducking of Raman Bardwaj in the Kelvin but he found the time to come over and discuss the success of his show, something I appear in, looking mean and moody in black and white which highlights the superb cut of my favourite brown corduroy suit.
'Come into the toilet with me Spiers' said O'Hara and motioned for me to go first, 'I have loads to tell you about how we stuck it to the huns in the show this week'. So I walked ahead but as I was opening the door to the loo, out of the corner of my eye, I spied the lonely figure of Tony Mowbray. He was wearing a raincoat with the collar up and a trilby hat pulled down low over his face, obviously to hide his identity but it was unmistakably him as his great monkey nose was poking out for all to see. I wonder what he's up to, I wondered as O'Hara held my head against the cubicle doors and rogered me senseless before sneering, spitting on me and leaving me gasping on the floor.