Odyssey Part Five

You can witness many strange sights after a month at sea. In my short time searching the coast of Scotland for the vile Devine who had run off with my feather headed trollop of a wife I have seen ships on the horizon stretching into the heavens like sky scrapers, while other evenings I've seen ships upside down in the sky. Those were tricks of the light though but on Sunday I really did see Andy Goram sitting naked on the roof of a Tarbert pub singing the Sash. He stayed there for hours too, until Ian Ferguson fetched a musket and threatened to shoot him off so we could be on our way.

We had stopped at Tarbert to take in the old firm game and unknown to my travelling companions, the Rangers 90s Squad Marines, I had been emailing my match report from the pub to the Times in Glasgow via a Blackberry. Anything to stop the Times from running with articles written by the cleaner which is what they'd been doing in my absence and such is the circulation of the Scottish Times these days, nobody had noticed. After the game had finished and we'd got Andy Goram down from the roof we set off again to search the seas for Devine. That evening we had a celebration dinner to mark the Rangers victory and as usual, Richard Gough sat at the head of the table beneath a portrait of the Queen and raised a glass to her honour and as usual I stood up for the toast to the disgust of the gathered sailors whose tradition it is to remain seated when toasting the Queen. I'd never get used to this as the only experience I have of this kind of thing is roasting a queen after a heavy night on the amyl at Bennets.

That night I received texts from my only friend among the Scottish sporting press and even he hated me really but Roddy Forsyth could never resist letting me know just how in with the bricks he is at Celtic so he sent me lots of photos of Lawwell's latest meeting with the football hacks after the game at Parkhead. They showed Lawwell wearing nothing but his Afrika Corps desert cap shagging Stewart Regan up the arse while ranting at the assembled press. It was then I began to miss my life back on dry land and began to scheme to get out of finding that pair of tramps and getting back to doing what I do best, sticking the boot into Rangers.