Odyssey Part One

We patrolled the Kyles of Bute for days, myself and the Rangers 90s Squad Marines in HMS The Walter Smith but there was no sight of Devine or his infernal boat with my wife on board. We even sailed pretty close to Largs a few times, with Andy Goram tied to the mast of course lest the sirens of that village lead him onto the rocks.  We weighed anchor once in Rothesay until the Galatea Bar emptied and we were chased by the natives along the front, throwing spears and bricks and it was only Captain Richard Gough forming the marines into lines and seeing them off with musket fire that prevented a disaster. After that we vowed never again to get off the boat.

One calm night when the winds had gone and we were resting just off Tighnabruaich, I left Gough and Goram smoking their cheroots and went aft to see what Stuart McCall was up to. I found him in the cabin watching television and paused to hear news from the mainland. I could hear Jackie Bird's voice coming from within: 'Good evening and welcome to Reporting Scotland. Tonight, three weeks after the Pope visited Glasgow - how brilliant was that? In sport, Rangers, what a bunch of Orange bastards, eh? And how great are Celtic? Later, we'll have Ann-Marie MacGlumpher reporting from another denominational school and from Ayrshire we have that comedy double act, Howson and MacMillan telling us how lovely it is to be a Roman Catholic.' I sighed with relief, nothing much had changed at home then.

I coughed and let McCall know I was there and he waved me in, frowning at the television. I was just about to ask him if things were the same in his days playing for Rangers when we heard Gough sounding the alarm and it was all hands on deck. By the time we got upstairs, Gough, and Goram were standing to, rifles in their hands with Ferguson steering the yacht and I hoped that they'd spotted Devine's boat but although it was a vessel, it wasn't the St. Bernard. No, it was Peter Lawwell and Stewart Regan in a gunboat and they were chasing Alan McGregor who was in a power boat with some screeching harpy with blonde hair. McGregor was making a decent fist of avoiding the harpoons but then Lawwell brought out some heavy cannon and started showering the little boat with grape shot. This was all very rum, what was the head man of the SFA doing alongside the Celtic Chief Executive attacking the Rangers goalie and just before a Scotland match too? Gough yelled, 'Hard to starboard' and Ferguson wrenched us round so that the Rangers rifles faced Lawwell's ship and one quick volley scared him off and we could just make out McGregor giving us an acknowledging wave before speeding off towards shore, his girlfriend all the time screaming like a fishwife and offering to take on Lawwell and Regan in a square go.