The Pacific Quay Syndrome

Not only did I wake up with a tiny penis on Sunday but I also seem to have gone slightly deaf, a condition common to every journalist in Scotland without fail. There we were, all sitting reporting on a Celtic game, the Celtic fans whooping it up and supporting their football team by singing songs about ethnic cleansing and sectarian Irish murder gangs and not one of us heard a thing. I leaned over to Chick Young who's always the first to run bleating to BBC Sportsound if Rangers fans even fart but he said he didn't hear anything. Roddy Forsyth? Was sitting there with his fingers in his ears going 'la la la la la!' So no wonder he didn't hear it. I doubt the match observer heard anything as he was wearing ear muffs and BBC Scotland edited out the singing and replaced it with stock crowd noise.

They're really taking editing to a new level, the Pacific Quay CSC, why on Friday they held a Rangers bashing party in the editing suite and stitched up Ally McCoist good and proper before going to the Brazen Head to watch their work on the televisions there then it was down to the Chip for trebles and lines of coke all round. Chris McLaughlin wasn't invited of course and wouldn't have gone anyway, having decided to stay at the Quay and write some more about Celtic although how he could find anything else to write about his team on the BBC website I don't know but there he stayed.

The next day as I watched the BBC bhoys party continue into the Saturday - I asked them if they shouldn't all be at work to concentrate on the Rangers opening match of the season and was told that 'BBC Scotland don't do Rangers', I got a call on my mobile from McLaughlin. He was in tears and sounded petrified.
'I've just been roughed up by Chris Woods and Cammy Fraser,' he sobbed, a victim of Souness's Rangers 80s Squad Commandos by the sound of it.
'All I did was throw McCoist's reputation in the gutter while urinating and dancing an Irish jig on it, something we all used to do with impunity and now I've been forcibly removed from Ibrox with Rangers refusing to talk to the BBC - it's all my fault Spiers. Well, me and that fairy, Jimmy Cooke but he wasn't around to be manhandled by Graham Roberts in the press room, the coward!' He whined.
'Listen Chris, where are you and I'll meet you, I have to find out how you got yourself thrown out of Ibrox, I'd love to have that done to me,' and as I daydreamed about becoming a martyr for the Celtic cause and being lauded in republican pubs all over Glasgow I heard him splutter.
'Spiers! Spiers! I'm coughing up crickets!' cried McLaughlin and then the line went dead.