The Tyranny of the Hyper-Sensitive

The tape reels rolled slowly and Alex Salmond’s voice crept out of the speakers. ‘Of course we’ll still allow the people freedom of speech, so long as it’s the right kind of speech, blandly expressed, offending no one as decided by perfect arbiters of truth such as…’
‘Tom Devine? Peter Kearney? How about James McMillan?’
The second voice was Bishop Tartaglia – by the Gods, how did Souness and Donald Findlay obtain this? They had a recording of Salmond’s meeting with Barking Phil Tartaglia, one of the Roman Catholic Church in Scotland’s most feared bully boys. Findlay watched and smirked as my eyes opened wide in amazement at what I was hearing.
‘If you insist Bishop although I must warn that we have to tread carefully as your flock in the past few years has done immeasurable damage to social cohesion in Scotland, encouraging a poisonous culture of victimhood, grievance and entitlement…’ Then there was the sound of fast footsteps and the noise of a glass smashing and then whispering.
‘This is where we believe Tartaglia had Salmond pinned to his desk and was choking him with his own tie,’ said Findlay. ‘We don’t think he appreciated what Salmond was saying just there. This man is throttling the First Minister with impunity, Spiers. Do you not now realise how lucky you were that we pulled your fat out of the fire in Barcelona? If he can do that to Alex Salmond then what do you think he’d have done to a pissant like you?’
‘I’ll tell what I’d like to do,’ growled Souness, tugging at his moustache and eyeing me most malevolently.
‘We all know what you’d like to do to him Graeme but unfortunately as is ever the case, we need Spiers for our plans to work and he’ll be no use to us with his balls stuffed up his nostrils.’

The tape continued and we sat back and listened as Alex Salmond explained to Bishop Tartaglia how the new Justice Bill would be manipulated to make sure only one set of fans, the Rangers fans of course, would be on the receiving end of the most authoritarian legislation to come out of Holyrood yet.
‘So no changes then?’ asked Tartaglia.
‘No changes,’ said Salmond.
'And what about the poofters?'
'Oh I think you'll find there are those within the SNP just as prejudiced as you when it comes to the Dorothys.  Getting back to the football though, I can’t vouch for the behaviour of House, I’m afraid the Chief Constable is a loose cannon and has been rounding up fans of all football clubs for offensive behaviour and this is before we’ve even passed the bill. If you could see your way to having a word with him I’d really appreciate it.’
‘Of course you would, First Minister. Now kiss my ring and I’ll see myself out.’
‘What’s that on your shoulder Bishop? Why it’s a cricket! There, it’s off, no harm done.’
And there the tape ended.
‘Cricket?’ I asked Findlay who smiled and lit up his pipe.
'Right, so you wanted to know where to find Jorg Albertz?' he asked, puffing away.  'He's being held by the very man you've been hearing out of those speakers.  The Demon Hunter is a captive of Bishop Tartaglia.  And Spiers?  We want you to free him for us.'