Crazy Horses

'We'll go round the table then;  Jay from the Osmonds, you say you were threatened by Charles Green in Las Vegas in 1975, is this true?' asked Alex Thomson, his eyes flashing with journalistic zeal.

'Yes it's true, Charles Green threatened me in Las Vegas in 1975.'

'There we have it Spiers, add that to the list - how many do we have now, two including you?'

'Four if we include Sylvester Stallone and Harrison Ford but maybe they should count as one because they told me that when Ally McCoist ambushed them in the Hollywood Hills last year it was really just the one attack but on two people.  Hitting pensioners, it really is the lowest of the low...' 

 

I was at Alex Thomson's pre-production meeting for his Channel 4 exclusive, working title: Dirty Orange Bastards and was wondering how Thomson could converse with imaginary people who were products of my own narcissistic personality disorder, especially since I'd been seeing less of the Osmonds since I began my medication, while Stallone and Ford has disappeared off radar altogether.  Perhaps my disorder was catching?  It is a particularly nasty condition which gives the sufferer delusions of grandeur and extreme paranoid thoughts which can lead to excessively sociopathic behaviour.  I've been noting my own experiences of it in my diary over the past three years ostensibly as a form of therapy but deep down I know that it is really just so that I have on record all the strange events that occur around me that are the fault of Rangers.  And the Masons.  We must never forget the Masons.  Harrison Ford told me that.

 

It all began after I'd crept out from behind the curtains at Schoenhausen, Peter Lawwell's country retreat, and promptly barged in on Allan Rennie in his office at the Daily Record. 

'So, you were behind the curtains when all this happened?' he asked, stroking his chin.  'And you say Stewart Regan was inside a box?'

'A box, yes.  It would certainly explain why he's been missing for the past month or so especially after he vowed to kick start another assault on Rangers more than four weeks ago.'

'And no one knows if he's alive or dead you say?'

'No, he's both alive and dead!'

'Look Spiers, I have no time for this outrageous nonsense, I employ Keevins for that kind of thing, what makes you think I'd want to have anything to do with you at the Daily Record?'

'Because I hate Rangers, don't you see?  This is my spiritual home!'

'Yeah, join the queue mate.  No, I don't see me having any need for you or your quantum mechanical conundrums.  Be off with you, begone, back to your online column with the Herald.  Does anyone read that by the way?'

And as I left I heard him laughing to himself as if I hadn't heard that joke a hundred times before.