Muckraker

I've been in some perilous situations in my time, usually with Souness by my side: I've fallen out of Peter Kearney's plane without a parachute only for Souness to jump out after me; I've been chased by a squadron of priests and fallen off my horse with Souness riding to my rescue; and I've been launched from a space station without oxygen to find Souness plugging the hole in my suit and getting me back to earth safely - all these things where I thought I was a goner and yet they pale into insignificance when I remember the look on Suzie McGuire's face as she thundered towards us waving a great big black dildo, the Derry and North West Branch of the NUJ screaming in triumph behind her.

Souness and I were both naked, suffering from exhaustion and the cold and were sprinting as fast as we could all things considered, to get to the little farmhouse on the other side of the field but McGuire and her posse were closing in on us from our left flank and looked likely to meet us before we reached the edge of the field and this is where I thought I was finished because Souness looked at me and said, 'I think I'm done, Spiers.  I'm getting too old for this madness.  If you have a God then best make your peace with him now.'

Now when Graeme Souness says this to you, you know you're in deep trouble and as I looked to our left I understood why because the NUJ were half a furlong away and speeding up but we weren't far from the fence now and beyond it the farmhouse and beside it, I could see a Jeep idling.

Suddenly McGuire was on us, screaming, her face a contorted vision of rage, her black fighting dildo held aloft and about to be brought down on my head then there was a crack from the edge of the field and the dildo was shot out of her hand.  Without stopping she pulled off a stiletto and pounced on Souness who rolled and lifted her over his head with his feet, sending her crashing to the ground in a flurry of oaths.  Then the Derry NUJ were on us but more cracks from the fence in front of us where little puffs of smoke were rising and the demented Irish journalists were falling before they got close to us - and at last we were over the fence into the arms of the Rangers 80s Squad Commandos. 

'Easy there, Spiers,' said Chris Woods as took me in his big safe hands and covered me in a silver foil blanket.  I looked over at Souness who had Cammy Fraser covering him while Stuart Munro updated him on something.  Then Souness barked an order to double the firing and retreat in good order and we made our way to the Jeeps.  Before we got to them though, Graham Roberts shouted, 'Hit the deck!' and everyone threw themselves to the ground.  Everyone except me; I was rooted to the spot, frozen with fear and probable frostbite of the extremities and as I closed my eyes expecting a grenade from the Derry NUJ, a tractor trundled past and sprayed me with silage.

The Rangers 80s Squad Commandos got up and laughed at me and we all got into the Jeeps - well, they did, I was put on the back of one because they said I was stinking more than usual. 

As we drove off to safety, I looked back at the Derry and North West Branch of the NUJ and I thought that Eamonn McCann was right, you don't want to mess with them.  Or Suzie McGuire.