Tales of the Underwood: An Unusual Alliance

'I'm not the beast you're after, Findlay' rasped Tom Devine with Findlay's stiletto blade pinking his throat.

'But you mention a beast, Tom - what do you mean by that?' asked Findlay, keeping a steady eye on him.

'Come on, you know what beast.  Isn't it one of yours?  Aren't you up here to control it?  Oh, I saw you, Spiers, floundering in the water like a tit, making enough din to wake the dead; and you did, didn't you?  You disturbed Stewart Regan and now he's awake you only have yourselves to blame if he comes looking to cause your club more trouble with spur of the moment, made up rules.'

Findlay looked at me and I shrugged, 'Don't look at me,' I said.

'Hold on,' said Devine.  'The beast isn't yours?  We thought the randomness of the abductions was a ruse to deflect from you taking Lennon from us as he uses this road often.'

'Take Lennon from you?' spluttered Findlay.  'Why would we do that?  We like Lennon exactly where he is, causing you as much bother with his hot head and foul mouth which, if it wasn't for the abject cowardice and outright bias of our press, would have him splattered all over the front and back pages instead of mischief making fairy tales about us!'

'Foul mouth?  You dare to mock us for foul mouths when you have Charles Garnett Green taking us back to the 70s with his ignorance?'

'Oh for fuck sake,' sighed Findlay, looking at me as if Charles Green were my fault.  'Back to the 70s?  You mean the decade your fans are taking us back to with their obscene chants in support of the IRA?'

'Gentlemen!  Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen,' I interrupted.  'We'll be here all night.  Surely our job here is to work in tandem to defeat whatever beast seems to be threatening both your interests?'

Findlay glared at me, 'Work with Tom Devine?  Preposterous!'

Devine sneered, 'A partnership with Donald Findlay?  There's not enough port in the world to make me drunk enough to accept that.

And so they shook hands and together we wandered into the stygian blackness of the East Ren' countryside to look for the Roadkill Beast.