Last Exit to Rugby Park

I really don't know which way to turn, my whole world is upside down and more and more people are laughing at me as the days go on. It all started with the Traynor persuading me to back Tony Mowbray in my Sunday column which backfired on me on Monday night when Lawwell single handedly brought Robbie Keane to Celtic, marginalizing Mowbray in the process. Then to make up for it, at a celebration in Bairds afterwards which both pleased (to see such scenes of Celtic minded celebration) and shocked (the brutal way Lawwell casually shot Keevins in the chest for doubting him), I went home and wrote the epitome of a Lawwell pleasing article for the Times where I ticked all the boxes:
Celtic, the only club in Britain to be a social phenomenon? Check.
Plenty of religious allegory ('second coming', 'herald the messiah')? Check.
Wax lyrical about Celtic's Irish heritage and culture? Check.
Stick the boot into Rangers? Check.
Betray my slobbering sycophancy with a phrase such as 'too many delicious boxes which are ticked'? Check.

Next thing I knew, Celtic were on the receiving end of a humping from Kilmarnock, Killie fans were singing ironically for Keano, Scottish media offices throughout Glasgow turned into wakes, Celtic fans scattered their scarves all the way from Rugby Park down the M77 and Lawwell went on the prowl in his SS Verfugungstruppe uniform, scouring the west end for Rangers players cars to petrol bomb.

I kept out of the way and tried out a few of the haunts of my favourite Celtic minded friends but was put off Jintys when I looked in to find the Republican Girls fighting amongst themselves and then when I nipped upstairs into the Chip, the Reporting Scotland and Scotland Today bhoys had resumed hostilities and were battling each other once again. Violence was breaking out all the way down Byres Road from Ashton Lane to the Dolphin as Celtic fans celebrated their diversity by beating the shit out of each other so I went home and hid under the bed, wondering who to back next - I seem to be a jinx these days, if I support Mowbray then Lawwell pulls one out the hat, then if I support Lawwell some disaster happens to send him into a blood frenzy.

Lying under the bed weighing up my options, I heard a window smash in my back room. At first I just thought it'd be Alex Mosson again but when I investigated, I found to my surprise, sitting there in my spare room, Tom Devine.