Welcome to Dystopia

Sting was right when he said the bed's too big without you but he didn't reckon on having to share it with Tom Devine for four weeks so when the blaggard made off with my wife it was more or less a relief. A month at sea with the Rangers 90s Squad Marines was more than enough for decent society to believe that I'd tried my best to retrieve her but to be fair, after being ravished by that horny old goat, who'd want her back? It was bad enough last year when she ran off with Aamer Anwar and then after I'd chucked him off a window ledge at the City Chambers, when she found a bed with Bishop Joe Devine's cock puppet Jason Allardyce, anyone would think she considered being married to the greatest crusading journalist in Scotland to be an embarrassment.

I was discussing this with Harrison Ford and Sylvester Stallone in my bedroom this morning and they seemed to think I was doing the right thing in forgetting all about her. 'Hey, you've still got your Martin O'Neil scrapbook,' said Ford and 'forgeddaboudit, you've always got Elton John,' added Stallone. I'm not stupid, I know that loneliness can do strange things to a man and waking up mornings to find two Hollywood stars sitting by my bed giving me marital advice is surely a sign that I should be getting out more and making new friends. My problem though is that yet again, there are too many shady characters out to get me so I daren't step out the door and if I did, I'd probably only trip over Brian McNally who has been camping out on my doorstep in more ways than one recently if you get my drift?

In spite of not turning up at matches I was paid to report on, I still managed to attend the Celtic AGM yesterday and sitting there with my fellow football journalists, all of us dressed in our matching green white and gold cheerleader uniforms, we were honoured to be witness to another tour de force from Dr John Reid where he completely glossed over his team's catastrophic failure on the park and lobbed a few insults Rangers' way before progressing to what we'd all been waiting for. He didn't disappoint and laid into referees and the SFA like Lawwell lays into any journalist who strays too close to the truth. A strange thing happened though, there was a journalist sitting beside me who I didn't recognise and I'm sure he had an English accent so I just figured he was from one of the proper newspapers down south. Curiously he kept mumbling under his breath but still audible all the time that Reid was speaking and it went like this,
Reid: 'we need bold, radical action to combat stories of lies, conspiracies and cover-ups.'
Mystery Man: 'all of 'em emanating from you, you old pervert.'
Reid: 'maybe Peter Wishart's proposals about referees declaring their allegiances should be considered as part of the process?'
Mystery Man: 'half of them are tims as well you know so where are you going with this and what are you holding on Wishart to make him come out with this rot?'
Reid: 'maybe we should ask about video technology to help referees?'
Mystery Man: 'what, and risk realising that referees are only human and occasionally make mistakes - where would that fit with your agenda?'
Reid: 'we lost the league last year because we weren't good enough,'
Mystery Man: 'at last, the truth!'
Reid: 'but we reserve the right to query decisions.'
Mystery Man: 'constantly as it deflects your idiot fans from the real issues.'
Reid: 'it's not sour grapes or paranoia,'
Mystery Man: 'yes it is.'
Reid: 'we have a new young vibrant managerial team led by Neil Lennon that will be here for a very long time,'
Mystery Man: 'so why are you sniffing around Martin O'Neil for a Walter Smith style return? Lennon will be out before the end of the season and you know it.'
Reid: 'we're not asking for special treatment, but neither will we be treated as less than anyone else. Those days are gone.'
Mystery Man: 'yes you are, you never have been and they were never here in the first place you dolt.'
And at this our mystery man stood up and said aloud, 'So Dr Reid, by saying that Celtic were treated differently from every other team you are obviously insinuating that there is a reason for this, a reason which you skip around and never mention directly. Can I clarify why you think Celtic are treated differently? Is it because,'
And at this the whole room goggled at him and as one took a sharp intake of breath.
'Is it because Celtic are a Roman Catholic club? Are you suggesting that there is a sectarian agenda at work within the SFA, amongst referees and indeed society as a whole, its sole purpose to keep down Celtic because they're Catholics? Because that's a very serious accusation and considering you've just claimed you're not paranoid, you obviously think it's true. Or is it just spin to distract the loony elements in your support from your failings on the pitch and in the board room because I'm not sure what's worse, actually believing in a bigoted agenda or taking advantage of your moronic fans' belief in it which leads to violence and misery - are you proud of yourself Dr Reid? Are you proud of the fact that your fans attack referees and their families as a consequence of your pronouncements? Are you proud of the fact that your fans get so paranoid after any setback that they take to the streets and commit all sorts of breaches of the peace? Oh this lot in here will never report it that way and Celtic's name will always be missing from any reports but we all know what's going on...'
And just as he took a breath to continue, at the nod from Lawwell, two uniformed goons grabbed him from behind, hooded and handcuffed him and dragged him screaming from the room and that was the last we ever saw of our mystery man. Five minutes later we heard two gunshots from behind the sheds so I can imagine what became of him.

Nothing more had to be said by Celtic since the fate of our brave Englishman was enough to remind everyone what happens when you get on the wrong side of Reid and Lawwell. Didn't I just know after finding myself teetering on the edge of a pit, Elaine C Smith snarling and grunting at the bottom and didn't she take the leg off Tom English after he dared question Celtic's motivations last week? I really should get around to recording how I bested English and escaped from the pit but that's for another day, right now there's just too much going on. That's the thing about waving the pom poms for Celtic, it's never ending.