Gaze Not Into the Abyss

St. Mirin’s Cathedral, Paisley, fifteen minutes until midnight. I’d been hiding in the grounds all night, keeping an eye on the doors, counting them in and counting them out. When the last wee man coughed and dropped his key before bending over to pick it up again, lock the doors and leave, I gave it another hour before risking leaving my position and picking the lock. It had been as cold as a whale’s arse in the grounds so my fingers were quite frozen and it took me all of my skills picked up from Jack McConnell to break in. It wasn’t much warmer inside but it was darker so I pulled the torch from my corduroy action trousers and shone it around but there was nothing peculiar to be seen. I walked slowly down the nave, sweeping the torch all around, sometimes catching the face of some saint or other, peering down at me disapprovingly. What type of person breaks into a church, they seemed to say so I took a deep breath and whispered, ‘the type of person who would sacrifice everything for the truth. Or at least to bury it.’

I was just approaching the main alter when I heard a voice from the cloisters.
‘Spiers. It’s me, Albertz. I’m bound and gagged just now and speaking to you from the ether, the synchronicity highway. It’s draining, even for me so you have to listen. I’m beneath you.’
‘So are most people,’ I replied smugly.
‘No, I’m underneath you. Look behind the alter, there’s a secret panel marked with cross keys – remove it and pull the lever, you’ll find me there.’

This was exciting, I truly began to feel like an investigative journalist rather than just someone who stole stuff from internet blogs and ponced them up with fancy words to make them suit a particular agenda. I located the cross keys panel and felt around it with cold fingers until with a click, it came away and there was a lever protruding towards me. I gasped, it was shaped like a cock.
‘Take it in your right hand and put your mouth around it,’ said Albertz from the shadows above me. In for a penny, I thought and took a hold of it and plunged down on the lever until it nudged the back of my throat.
‘Only kidding, chump,’ chuckled Albertz. ‘You only have to push it down to the floor.’

I blushed at having been caught out by such an obvious prank and heaved at the lever until it touched the alter floor and there was a grinding noise from behind me as the ground opened up and I was hit with the waft of a damp and rotten smell which took my breath away. Vowing to wash my armpits and change my shirt when I got home, I stepped cautiously into the abyss.