Xenomorphosis Part Four

Souness and Donald Findlay were already tearing down the road in their vans by the time Lawwell’s men had realised the tyres of their Ranger Rovers had been shot out. I was just glad I was watching from a safe distance as Lawwell took out his anger on one of his own men, lashing into him with his horsewhip while the others worked quickly to change the tyres. This gave me time to hop into my Mini and drive off in pursuit of Souness as there was a story in all of this, I just knew it and who knows, maybe I’d find a particular angle pleasing to some Scottish editor of a newspaper, an anti-Rangers angle say – that always keeps editors happy since the Great Celtic Minded Gramscian Plan came to fruition a number of years ago, and pleased with my attack on Rangers then perhaps that editor would offer me a job? You never know and that’s why I made the mistake of chasing after Souness and Findlay as they carted off Joan McAlpine in the back of one of their vans.

It took a while before Lawwell caught up with us and we were practically back in Glasgow by the time the first Range Rover started trying to edge the nearest van off the road. We were haring down the M77 at Newton Mearns and they were ignoring me at first but then one of the goons noticed it was me driving and suddenly I also became a target – six black Range Rovers nudging and barging us, someone was going to get hurt I was just thinking when I saw a black figure crouched on the bridge just ahead of us. As I passed under the bridge I heard the crump of something landing on my roof and then the dark figure had kicked out my passenger seat window and was sitting beside me, smiling. It was Catriona Shearer. ‘Watch this,’ she said and leaned out the window. Suddenly there was a blinding light as Shearer shot one of the Lawwell cars off the road with a strobe gun.
‘Woo hoo! Did you see that Spiers? Right into the bushes! Bwa ha ha ha ha, oh dear, this is the life – much more exciting that reading the news, eh?’

Another Rangers maniac, I thought but how on earth did she get a job at Pacific Quay? I was contemplating this and trying to steer the car as another Ranger Rover bumped me from behind when Shearer caught my eye and laughed, ‘I know what you’re thinking and I’ll tell you as soon as we’ve taken care of these guys. Now, what should I use this time, I have so many toys in my purse I just don’t know where to continue,’ and she pulled a spear gun out from the satchel she'd stuck in the back of my car.

We were passing Silverburn when the spear gun took care of another Lawwell car and Shearer was enjoying herself.
‘We’ll be passing the BBC shortly, think we should give them a wave?’ she giggled as Souness swerved in front of us, taking a battering in his van from the bigger and more robust Range Rover and that’s when Shearer brought out the grenade launcher, knocked the soft roof off my Mini and took her top off. Once she’d blown the three Celtic vehicles from the road she sat back down, poonts straining inside a black bra which looked suspiciously as if it contained hidden weapons.
‘Take a good look, Spiers. These babies will be back, now just slow down a little here and I’ll be off – I have a news bulletin to read in fifteen minutes,’ so I slowed down as we passed Govan and she fired her grappling hook around the top of a motorway lamp post and was lifted up and out of the car, swinging off road and disappearing into the darkness.

As the last Ranger Rover approached, Lawwell sitting by the open window, a bazooka resting in his arms I thought about what had just happened with Catriona Shearer appearing dressed in black pvc and body armour and armed to the teeth as Graham Souness and Donald Findlay escaped into Glasgow with Joan McAlpine, an alien creature wrapped around her face and I thought: it's true, it’s never dull in the world of Scottish football.