The Dildo and the Damage Done

I was stuck in the ventilation ducts above the Hampden boardroom when the reconstruction took place yesterday.  I wasn't there by choice in order to listen in on what went on, no I was there because I was one of many of the Scottish press rounded up by Lawwell and imprisoned in his Hampden dungeon until he could tell us what to report after the meeting ended and I wasn't too happy about it so I tried to escape but then my fat arse got stuck in the ventilation shaft and I had no choice but to keep quiet and listen.

 

First in was Lawwell who sat on a throne at the top of the table then everyone else filed in behind him, someone pushing a pram which contained Stewart Milne of Aberdeen.  They all gasped and as I strained to see through the grate, I could already tell it was because Lawwell had covered their seats in drawing pins and was daring anyone not to sit down.  Interestingly, it was Roy MacGregor and Stewart Gilmour who said they'd rather stand thank you and that pretty much set the tone for the rest of the meeting as nine SPL chairmen sat on tacks and nodded along to everything Lawwell said as he sat in his throne and stroked his pet pussy.  His pet pussy, Neil Doncaster hardly said a word the whole meeting.

 

For hours Lawwell pleaded and cajoled then ranted and raved but MacGregor and Gilmour stood fast in their refusal to agree to his proposals.  'It's a bloody farce and our fans don't like it,' said Gilmour.  'Nobody's fans like it, except yours for some reason, Lawwell - why's that, eh?  What possible damage could this structure cause to Rangers that could bring your lot onside on such a ridiculous system?'

Lawwell growled and lashed out at Leann Dempster of Motherwell who to her great credit, sat there and took it like a man.  It was telling that Lawwell didn't attack either Gilmour or MacGregor as they were standing up to him; no, I'm sure he'd be leaving that to his pawns in the Scottish press.  Then there was some more arguing, to and fro until it was quite obvious there was a stalemate but then Lawwell smiled and snapped his fingers and Doncaster was up and retrieving a satchel from the other side of the room.  He brought it to his master and settled down again under the table and Lawwell reached into the satchel and brought out something in each hand: in his left hand, a wedge of cash; in the right, a solid steel dildo.

'It's the cash or this, boys.  Take your pick' he said and the next thing you know there was bedlam as outraged, MacGregor and Gilmour tried to attack Lawwell only to be held back by all the other SPL chairmen while Doncaster ran into a corner and pissed himself.  There was then a great pushing and shoving of bodies and the table overturned from the weight, the cash and dildo scattered on the floor and slowly but surely, the mass of bodies, groaning and crying out, reached Lawwell who lost his balance and fell on the dildo.

His scream echoed down the ventilation shaft and nearly broke my ears.  Once he'd stopped screaming, there was a great silence broken only by Stewart Milne who started crying and threw his toys out of his pram.  MacGregor looked around at the scene and muttered something about not staying around this madness anymore and then he left the room, Gilmour behind him.

'Medic!  Get a medic!' roared Lawwell.  'And free those wimps in the dungeons and get them to pursue those two bastards!'

 

And that's how Scottish football was saved from its own stupidity.  You don't have to believe me if you don't want to but I was there, above the room and would be there still if Stephen McGowan hadn't heard my sobbing later on once everyone else had left and helped me out by pushing my arse until it came unstuck.  At least that's what he said he was doing...