Planet of the Papes

I hadn't yet got used to zero gravity so as the oxygen hissed from the torn pipe leading to my helmet, sending me spinning beyond the reach of the Republican Guard Stormtroopers, I knew that I couldn't right myself to even attempt to fix the leak and would soon be sucking vacuum and dead in seconds. Of course I wouldn't have been there in the first place if it wasn't for the outburst of madness which followed the referees' strike and led to every monster in my great narrative appearing that night when I eventually fetched up in Murray Park watching as Martin Bain and Donald Findlay tutted and removed the mask from Torquemada to discover that it had been Peter Kearney all along. But where did he get his super powers was the question on everyone's lips with Donald Findlay as ever, having the answer to that: a combination of years of religious indoctrination, hatred and bigotry building up into an uncontrollable urge to attack Protestantism in all its guises. Oh and misappropriated alien technology. Which is how I ended up in Kearney's star station, Inquisition 4 and treading space after a daring escape from the station having been found in possession of blue kryptonite, the only substance known to affect Torquemada or the bold Peter as we all know him down at Heraghtys.

I felt my lungs begin to give and had settled into my fate, relaxing and taking in the astonishing view that was the earth in all its blue glory (Kearney will have something to say about that, I thought) when suddenly someone grabbed my air pipe and gummed the hole and I could taste precious oxygen again. I got my balance back and gazed into the face of my benevolent rescuer and there was Graeme Souness, winking and signing that he'd see me later, loser. Then I floated around the earth's atmosphere for a while wondering how on earth I was going to get back to the west end from here.