U-1BBB

As the ghost of Stuart McCall rampaged around my little farmhouse, he knocked over a paraffin lamp and set fire to the place before wandering out onto the snow to watch as the place burned and I suppose it thought I was still in there so I settled down by the door of the barn to try to take advantage of the heat from the blaze until the ghost decided it'd had its revenge and left me alone. My relative comfort didn't last long though as sparks from the fire soon drifted onto the roof of the barn and before you could whistle Boys of the Old Brigade without censure, the barn was ablaze too and I had to make a run for it. I ran screaming away from the flames, McCall turned and noticed my flight, groaned and started towards me, cutting off my escape into the mainland so I sprinted off in panic towards the shore, haring across a bridge and over some sand dunes until I realised that I was trapped on the beach with a vengeful ghost behind me and the cold sea in front of me. Just as McCall appeared over the dunes I heard a voice cry out above the sound of the waves and the wind - it was Hugh Keevins and he was in a rowing boat coming to shore. I scrambled through the waves and met him, tumbling into the little boat and looking back at the beach where the ghost of Stuart McCall was nowhere to be seen. As the Port Glasgow Fenian navy rowed like Billy be damned away from that horror, I slumped back in the boat and breathed a sigh of relief that I'd been saved once again from certain doom and it was only when I looked up to thank my rescuers that I noticed sitting there opposite me, the sea rotten figure of Stuart McCall, in the boat! I screamed and stood up, there was a melee as I tried to get as far away from that ghastly spectre as possible, the boat rocked and I felt myself losing my balance and plunging into the waves as people screamed above me.


I felt cold hands grab my ankle and then chains bashing against my shins and as I breathed water I could see the shape of two figures pass me into the black depths of the ocean then another hand pulled me onto the boat and I fainted.

I came to in the Inquisition 3, the official U-Boat of the Scottish Catholic Media Centre where I was offered hot cocoa by a member of the Fenian Navy. I asked him what had happened and was told that Pat Nevin would be along shortly to fill me in. For a brief moment my heart jumped but then I realised Nevin was only going to update me. He arrived looking like a Level 8 student from Strathclyde University in the 80s and I babbled all about the ghost of Stuart McCall, fearing he wouldn't believe me but he raised his hand to hush my blathering and told me that I wasn't the only one who had seen it, the navy rowers had seen it too and probably so did Keevins before he fell into the sea.
'What, Keevins fell in with me? Was he trying to rescue me? What a hero, my old friend Hugh - I owe him one,' exclaimed I.
'Erm, no you don't, uhmed Nevin. 'Keevins tried to push you into McCall to save himself, lost his balance and fell in. The spook got him and dragged him to the bottom, believing he was you. Still, I suppose he did save your life. In a way. And don't fret about him, losing a Keevins is not an issue - Lawwell has a never ending supply of them which is why we always carry a Keevins during our most dangerous missions as he makes a good sacrifice when one is required in an emergency.'
'So what now?' I asked, worrying that I was on board a Kearney vessel so soon after betraying him on board the space station.
'Oh nothing much,' continued Nevin. 'Our orders were simply to pick you up and take you back to Glasgow. Celtic have just beaten Rangers, the fans are on a high and the Parkhead car park is secure for the time being but Lawwell's got wind of a renegade faction within the SFA plotting to hand Neil Lennon a six week ban and draw us against Rangers at Ibrox in the Scottish Cup. He needs you back at the tiller - oh the Times janitor writing your columns while you're away is all very well but he needs your own unique brand of idiocy to get some of his latest messages across, so it's back home for you my friend.'

I sighed and lay back on my bunk and thought about recuperating the entire journey back to the city but then I noticed a saucy look in Nevin's eye and for the next hour it was a case of hello sailor!