Juvenal Behaviour

Even after two buckets of whisky, the Traynor could still keep up with the Stasi van, even with me clinging onto his back. We followed it through Partick but instead of heading down the Clydeside expressway towards Parkhead, it went through the Clyde tunnel and kept going until it pulled up at Ibrox, the men in black opening the back doors and bundling Stewart Regan in the main door and up the marble staircase. That was the last we saw as there was no way I could just wander into Ibrox Stadium without setting off Martin Bain’s patented Arsehole Alarm – the damned thing has made my life a misery; oh yes, he switches it off on match days but if I try to ask any questions during after match press conferences he switches it back on and everyone laughs at me and pokes me with sticks. There are no such problems over at Parkhead where the place is usually in such chaos that any fool can wander in and out, a policy from the old days when it was trusted to the usual gang of low lifes hanging around the car park to act as security.

So they weren’t Lawwell’s Stasi after all? So who were they and what did Rangers want of Stewart Regan who is generally considered to be Lawwell’s puppet within the SFA? We were just pondering this when a helicopter took off from within Ibrox and disappeared into the skies. The Traynor, looking up, sighed and said he was bored with this now and if I wanted a lift back to the west end then I’d better cling on. I told him to go without me and caught a taxi over to Parkhead, passing burning buildings and overturned cars on the way which only served to remind me that only hours earlier, an old firm match had played out here.
It wasn’t long before I was inside Celtic Park and roaming around unquestioned, listening to the sound of far off screams coming from Lawwell’s underground bunker. I didn’t know it at the time but this was his torture of the football press to make sure they were going to toe the party line on the night’s events; it was going on longer than usual so this was obviously a big one and no wonder, Celtic were wide open to accusations of racism which would be devastating to them considering their ongoing campaign to have 'anti-Irish racism' recognised as being real rather than just something made up by Peter Kearney to justify laying into the Protestants again. As more and more of the Celtic backroom staff passed me carrying burning torches and wearing white sheets, I began to feel something I hadn’t felt in my entire life: uncomfortable with something Celtic were up to.  I would have to do something about this and quick so I pulled out my iPhone and promptly tweeted something stupid. That would sort it out.
I was just feeling the reassuring return of smugness and moral superiority when I heard a moaning from behind me and turned to see Neil Lennon stumbling towards me. Since his head was stuck on a Frankenstein’s horror of a body after his training ground accident, he’s not really been the same. Oh I notice it because I’ve been close to him for so long and have seen him naked more times than I can say but the transformation seems to have fooled everyone else because such is Celtic's behaviour these days, who’s going to notice another monster roaming around Parkhead?
I was just about to greet him with the usual girlish giggle when out of the shadows pounced three Ally McCoists. Younger, fitter Allys with curly mullets, they wrestled Lennon to the floor and bitch slapped him for so long that I was amazed no one appeared to try and stop it, then one of the screws holding on Lennon’s head came loose, the Allys stopped and walked calmly away, one of them tweaking my nose on the way past. This could mean only one thing, Walter Smith had let loose the mechanised Ally McCoists from his Newton Mearns warehouse. This was worrying, between the Rangers kidnap of Stewart Regan and the deployment of the McCoist robots, it meant that Rangers are again taking seriously the threat from Celtic. All that was needed now was a strongly worded condemnation of Celtic’s antics by Martin Bain. I didn’t have to wait too long.