The Post-Modern Prometheus

Silence. Two hundred and nineteen metres below the Corryvreckan between Scarba and Jura, a place known only as Silence. This was where I fetched up, tired and groggy after finding myself yet again reluctantly caught up in one of Peter Lawwell’s lunatic schemes, this time to fit Neil Lennon’s head onto a monstrosity composed of body parts stolen from the Forensic Department at Glasgow University. The horrible secret Lawwell had been keeping for weeks now and which explains his silence recently - everyone thought Celtic weren’t whining about conspiracies for so long because they were winning for a change but it turns out it was due to Lennon being decapitated in a freak training ground accident, the message that he was dead not getting through to his body which caught a taxi to Ashton Lane and went on a bender in Jintys before disappearing with the Republican Ghirls for a week of degrading sex (we’d later find they were delighted as it saved them a fortune in brown paper bags). Lawwell, left with just the head, summoned Peter Kearney who always seems to have a smart answer for everything and Torquemada used his super powers to blame Protestants for the accident and keep the head alive by encasing it in chewing tobacco until Jeanette Findlay could steal the body parts from the Glasgow University morgue. It was reported that security guards caught her in the grounds making off with the bodies but just assumed that she was taking the usual gang of students back to her west end boudoir for a gang bang – she’ll lift her petticoats to anyone, no matter how many, the filthy slut. So lucky for her then and she made a clean getaway – well, as clean as that grimy slattern could possibly achieve.

Lawwell and Kearney worked through the night and stitched together a decent enough body and although the torso was that of a woman, breasts and all, the finished result did actually seem to be more athletic than the real Lennon. Then John Reid turned up and summoned the demons Wormwood and Screwtape who welded the head on and injected the body with demon blood giving it life. As Lennon’s head lifted and black drool dripped from his mouth, he spoke in tongues and gibbered like a maniac, everyone present feared they’d made some awful mistake but Lawwell and Reid just smiled at each other and said, ‘perfect’!