The Adventures of Brigadier Bill

Few people can say that they've seen the grandeur of Ibrox Stadium from above and even fewer can say they've seen it while swinging upside down from a hot air balloon. Naked. Well, I was wearing a kilt but of course that doesn't provide much cover when you're upside down so as I swooped past the press gantry, all of my colleagues in the football press would've got an eyeful of the Graham Spiers undercarriage if they hadn't been jumping up and down with joy as Scott Brown had just scored the Celtic equaliser.

I'd been reluctantly involved in yet another hair brained scheme of Donald Findlays, the jovial old sociopath was concerned at rumours of a News of the World expose on a Rangers player to unsettle the team before the old firm match and persuaded me that it was in my interests to find out what was going on and who was mischief making. So disguised as a male model for some dodgy photo shoot with the Flower of Scotland girl, I mingled with a dozen other guys in kilts and infiltrated the News of the World office and just as the male models were beginning to sniff the air and wonder what the smell was, for some reason eyeing me up as the culprit, I decided to sneak into the cleaner's cupboard and weigh up my options. While in there though I came across the janitor having lunch and astonishingly he thanked me for letting him write my match reports over the last few months and offered me a sandwich to show his gratitude. I suppose I should've noticed that all of my lovingly written pieces weren't appearing in the Times but since even I don't pay to read it online or buy the paper, I hadn't.
At length, whatever stench had been bothering the models, began to choke the janitor and he had a coughing fit and had to leave the cupboard so I did too in order to avoid bringing attention to myself (as if fleeing a cleaning cupboard in a corduroy kilt with a spluttering man in overalls wasn't bad enough) and as I did, I came across Bill Leckie who'd just been dropping off his latest copy for the Sun and was preparing himself for going back out onto Queen Street by buckling on his sword.
'Hi Bill, where are you off to with that impressive side-arm?' I asked, he didn't seem surprised to see me.
'Oh just heading for home, I have a busy schedule of internet dating ahead of me and if I want to get home in one piece then I need the trusty blade at my side - ever since I laid into Celtic in my column I've been challenged to so many duels by Celtic fans that I barely have enough time to sext anymore. Indeed I'm just off to Glasgow Green to meet a couple of the Green Brigade just now, fancy being my second?'
It was just too tempting, perhaps through Leckie I could find out what the News of the World scandal was going to be.
'I'm your man, Bill' I chirped and off we went but we'd only got a few yards from the News International hub before we were attacked by two surly youths bearing knives. Leckie took the first thrust in his stride and parried, cutting off the fellow's hand at the wrist. I screamed like a girl as the blood jetted over my kilt and Leckie pinked the second youth on the chin, holding him en guard and asking what this was all about.
'Ye're nuthin' bit a bigoted hun basturd' he spat at Leckie with absolutely no irony whatsoever before Leckie lowered his sword and ran him through.
'See what I mean Spiers? I get that, oh say, a dozen times a day? And that's just the random attacks, I also get the ones like this one we're going to where they have the decency to call me out and we meet for pistols or swords on the Green. I'm telling you, anyone would think Celtic encouraged these morons in an effort to put journalists off writing anything derogatory about their team - well no one silences Brigadier Bill Leckie, best swordsman in all of the Scottish football press!'
And he went on like that for the remainder of our journey to Glasgow Green, lopping off the odd limb of random Celtic supporters who attacked him as we walked.